The nation’s major labs process millions of drug tests every year.
So if you fail a drug test at work or a probation office, that’s not a big story to anyone except you, your employer or probation officer, and perhaps your family.
That is unless you’re Sydney Levin of Missouri, Jonathan Jackson of Tennessee, William Dixon of Florida, Tyler Endicott of Illinois — or actor Tom Sizemore.
All of the men tested positive at their local probation office, and their situations became national news when they were charged with using the Whizzinator to cheat on their drug tests.
You probably heard about the Whizzinator when all of that happened years ago. If not, here’s what we’re talking about: a fake penis that’s strapped onto the body and can release fake urine, which would theoretically help someone test clean when they’re really dirty.
Believe it or not, the Whizzinator is still around. Let’s get a status report.
The Whizzinator’s Weird Backstory
Gerald Wills and Dennis Catalano certainly never envisioned the bizarre future of their company when they invented and started marketing the Whizzinator about twenty years ago. It was advertised as a method for beating drug tests and was primarily sold online.
The mainstream media didn’t pay much attention to the Whizzinator until 2005. That’s when NFL running back Onterrio Smith — who had already been suspended twice for weed use and would face suspension if nailed again — was stopped for a bag search in a Minnesota airport and was found to be carrying a Whizzinator and several vials of dried urine.
That story made national news. Smith escaped penalties briefly, claiming that he was carrying the goods for a cousin. However, the next month he tested positive again and was released from the NFL, never to play again.
Four days later, the U.S. House held previously-scheduled hearings later on the issue of fake urine being used to cheat federal drug tests. And the Whizzinator was referenced 20 times during statements and witness testimony, largely because of Smith’s problem. At the end of the sessions, Catalano and other fake pee manufacturers were called to testify. They all took the fifth.
Once the Whizzinator stories died down, it was business as usual for Wills and Catalano until October 2008 — when the pair was indicted by the federal government. They were charged with 19 counts of selling drug paraphernalia and defrauding the government (for providing a way to cheat federal drug tests).
In 2010, Wills and Catalano pleaded guilty to one count each. A few months after that, they sold the Whizzinator patent to a company called Alternative Lifestyle Systems. The two men were out of the fake penis-and urine business.
But that wasn’t the end of the Whizzinator.
Meet the Whizzinator Touch
Alternative Lifestyle Systems (ALS) had a plan for the product they’d bought the rights to.
First, they rebranded what they called the “Original” Whizzinator, changing the product’s name to the Whizzinator Touch. More importantly, they came up with a new marketing strategy.
The fake penis that had gained notoriety as a tool for beating drug tests was promoted as “new and improved!” In reality, not much had changed — except for the Whizzinator’s description; it was marketed as an “adult novelty item.”
Warning: the next paragraphs are NSFW.
ALS proclaimed loudly that the Whizzinator Touch and other company products were “not intended for any illegal purpose [or] to be used to be used to defeat lawfully-administered drug tests.” Then what was the Whizzinator for? ALS claimed it was for use in adult sex play.
If you’re not well-versed in sexual kink, some people enjoy playing with pee. The most popular urine-related activity is known as a “golden shower,” in which one partner urinates on the other. (We won’t go into more graphic detail.)
Since the Whizzinator is designed to be worn and used to release fake urine (or real urine, if that’s what you put into the reservoir), the “sex play” description gave ALS legal cover.
After all, they certainly don’t want people to use the device to beat drug tests. That would be wrong! The Whizzinator is really just a sex toy for adults. The company even rebranded its fake urine product with the brand name “The Golden Shower.”
No one’s been fooled, of course, but here’s what matters. If someone is caught using the Whizzinator to mess with a drug test, ALS can now plausibly claim in court that they’re not liable; the person was using the product in a way it was never supposed to be used.
And that scenario may eventually develop since the Whizzinator Touch is still for sale.
The Whizzinator in the 2020s
ALS maintains the fantasy that the Whizzinator is nothing more than a sex toy by also offering a number of legitimate adult sex products on their website.
But the centerpiece is the Whizzinator Touch. It’s available in five colors (black, brown, latino (?!), tan and white) and sold with fake urine, a measuring vial, a wearable harness, and disposable heating pads.
Why heating pads? They keep the fake urine at body temperature, so a drug tester sex partner won’t suspect that it’s fake. All that, for the low, low price of just $129.95 (reduced from the list price of $139.95).
If you’re worried that the fake urine won’t fool a drug test sex partner, no problem. It contains ingredients like creatine and uric acid — which, by an amazing coincidence, are the same substances that many people consume when they’re trying to fool a drug test.
What if you’re a female who has to take a drug test is interested in pee play? No worries. You can get a female Whizzinator, called the Whizz Kit. There’s no fake penis, just a pouch and belt that you wear “beneath your clothes” (their words, not ours). What could be more convenient if you have to pass a drug test want to pee on a partner? Best of all, it’s only $59.95.
There’s just one last question to answer.
Does the Whizzinator Work?
It does release fake urine if that’s all you’re interested in.
But the more important issue, of course, is whether the Whizzinator will help you test clean. That’s asking an awful lot.
First of all, a close examination of the product quickly reveals that it’s nothing more than a cheap strap-on dildo with a hole in it. If a drug tester is paying attention during the test, they’ll see pretty quickly what’s really going on.
And even if you’re able to get away with using the Whizzinator, your success is completely dependent on what you put inside.
Your odds will be highest if you’ve filled the device with urine you’ve “borrowed” from a clean friend. ALS provides a “quality guarantee” for its synthetic urine, but that doesn’t help much after you’ve been popped. If you buy the fake urine somewhere else or make your own — that’s exactly where you are on your own.
You’re probably best off using the Whizzinator Touch for the purpose described on the company’s website: “for wet sex and pranks.”
The Whizzinator: FAQ
Q: Is it legal to use the Whizzinator to cheat on a drug test?
A: We’re not lawyers, and this isn’t legal advice. With that out of the way, it’s probably illegal where you live, as more and more states are passing laws making synthetic urine illegal. It’s definitely illegal to use the Whizzinator to provide fake urine for federal agencies, courts, and law enforcement officials. That’s considered fraud, and it’s what got the people we mentioned at the start of the article into trouble.
Q: Is the Whizzinator safe to use?
A: If you’re worried about personal safety, ALS says that the device is made from medical-grade materials, so it shouldn’t pose any danger to your health. They do warn, though, that you shouldn’t drink “The Golden Shower” fake urine — but we’re fairly confident that drinking synthetic pee wasn’t in your plans.